Magic Carpet goes to Azalea Park
My magic carpet, henceforth known as Shaggy Queefy Queen (SQ2), undulated in the moonlight on New Year’s Eve, just outside my bedroom window, beckoning me with her sultry whispers and promises of an unforgettable evening. It was 11:45pm. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, even though midnight was right around the corner.
SQ2 can get anywhere in 5 minutes. It’s part of her allure. Want to go to India? 5 minutes. Trader Joe’s? 5 minutes. She’s so magical, she can’t see straight. She’s smothered in pictures of unicornia, mermicorns, and gold sprinkles. She’s bright, colorful, and the envy of all the other magic carpets out there.
I decide to hop on board, despite my fatigue and lack of a bra. Never leave the house without a bra. “Take me to the most fantastical place in all of this land!” I beg her. The first time she showed up at my window, we ended up at the moon. I’d never been there before. She must’ve known. We shot up through the clouds and stardust and landed, 5 minutes later, on the rocky hellhole I’d gazed longingly at from my front porch on hundreds of occasions. Moon looks way better from earth, that’s for sure. Up close, she’s dry, dusty, and full of holes…much like a 40-year-old hooker.
Since she’d never disappointed me before, I had high expectations of SQ2. Where, oh where, would we end up?? I mused excitedly. I closed my eyes and floated through the foggy night sky with her. For 5 minutes. Imagine my surprise as we hover over…not the moon, not a secluded beach in Nicaragua, not even Trader Joe’s! But Azalea Park. What the fuck were we doing here? “What the fuck are we doing here, SQ2?” Since she hasn’t learned how to talk yet, we communicate via undulation. She undulates at me, I undulate back at her, and we have ourselves a wild ride. When she starts undulating frantically, my kitty gets so excited that she starts meowing uncontrollably. Meow! Meow! Meeeeoooooowwww!!!
Oh, I forgot to mention I brought my kitty, Pussycornakatasana. She can’t resist a good ride on the shag. Back to Azalea Park. I look down on the patchy, up-and-coming (a.k.a. shitty, but residents tell themselves “it’s changing!”) neighborhood and can’t imagine why SQ2 would’ve transported me to such a disappointing place. I received my answer at the stroke of midnight, when shots from assault weapons began spraying the sky from every corner of this godforsaken town. Magic carpet started bouncing around like a little Mexican jumping bean on 4Loco. Now I understood. She wiggled and wraggled and jumped and bumped for 20 glorious minutes. Kitty purred in ecstasy. Oh, how kitty loves the inappropriate use of assault weapons on New Year’s. Meow.