Bears

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Bears are super cuddly creatures that will only fuck with you if you try to eat their berry piles. Bears live in heavily wooded areas and enjoy scaring the shit out of hikers, campers, and salmon. If you see a bear, you should lie down and act dead, which probably won’t be an act for too long. Bears can live about 40 years, but they spend half their lives sleeping, so that’s really only 20 years. Bears could live a lot longer if they made 50% of their grains whole. Koala bears are not actually bears, but they do share many traits with real bears, like cuddliness, dirty fur, cute faces, and merchandise marketing at the zoo. Black bears aren’t all black. Sometimes they’re cinnamon, but they smell like shit. Not like cinnamon. And you can’t do the cinnamon challenge with them. Much like the assholes of the sea (great white sharks), bears will eat just about anything, so if you find yourself being hunted by a bear, try to appease it by feeding it your backpack or Diva Cup. There exists a legendary black bear that’s actually white. It has magical powers. Sometimes bear parts are used as medicine, especially gallbladders. Bears can stand on their hind legs, which is so funny and makes them look like they want to dance with you, but usually means they want to eat you. Teddy bears are different from real bears in that their reproduction cycles differ. Polar bears don’t live in Africa, because they don’t get along very well with lions. Other kinds of bears live all over the world, except Australia….because bears are afraid of spiders.

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